Dying Friendship

What do you do when you feel like you're growing apart from your friend but they aren't? I feel like I don't know her as well and I definitely don't think she knows me very well anymore either.
We went to a movie, me, Kim, and her. Originally we were supposed to go see a funny movie a few days before Christmas but instead we go see 'Avatar.' Gem had already seen it and wanted to see it again. I didn't. But whatever, it was a friend day I figured it didn't really matter. Apparently I never made it clear that I don't like war movies and battle scenes because that was what half the movie was. Plus, when I said that it wasn't really my kind of movie, she goes 'oh I didn't realize that.'
Its not even just that. I just feel like we used to be so much closer. And now we're not. It's kinda depressing. And its not like I want us to we just are, at least on my side.

I am MAD!!!

I am MAD. A strange sentence coming from me. I tend to be sad, upset disappointed, lonely. Not normally mad but I have a good reason. I've always known I'm shy but yesterday I found out the true extent of it. And it's really really stupid!
So, I like this guy at church and last week I lost my phone and he found it. This part I was expecting. I went up to him told him I thought he had my phone and he gave it to me then I sand thanks and walked away. Normal. Then I was telling my dad about what happened and he said a good way to start talking to him is to go up to him the next day and thank him for finding my phone again. I was totally into doing that cause I really like this guy. I spent almost all week planning on talking to him and I got really excited cause I was finally gonna talk to a guy I like! Sunday morning comes around and I tell my friends that they have to make me go and talk to him cause I'm going to wimp out if I have no one keeping me there. Unfortunately, my friends apparently don't understand the word 'force' because the songs started and I hadn't talked to him.
I wasn't completely upset cause I still had after the sermon. But after the service my friends still didn't have the guts to get me to go up to him. And the one friend that would have didn't get the message of what I was trying to do until he disappeared. Yay I just showed how deathly afraid of guys I am. I got really upset and went into the bathroom where Emelia (A.K.A. the only friend that would have helped if she could) found me and made me feel a little better about my patheticness before two of my other friends came in and believed Emelia when she said I was crying when she accidentally poked me in the eye. Really? I mean, REALLY! You believe that!? But whatever I'm getting over how gullible they are.
Then we go to meet up with my sister and her now ex-boyfriend, that is where I find out that two of my friends ended up finding the guy I like and talking to him for a while somewhere else. Like OK I have no problem with them talking to him per se, I don't care that they talked to him just that they could and I couldn't. Not the best picker-upper. So I go through the day disappointed in myself and end up deciding to go to the high school/college football game after the evening service, the Turkey Bowl. He was there and playing and I was drooling over him the whole time as well as a semi-old crush that I have recently found in the crowd again that I might have accidentally offended him cause I was taking care of a bunch of kids and couldn't really talk to him.
So last night I'm crying in my bed thinking how stupid I am because I can't even talk to a guy and one of the things a friend said to try to get me to go up to him. She said if I couldn't talk to him I would end up being the crazy cat lady while everyone else is going to be married with children, all because I can't talk to a crush. oh joy.

How are you supposed to deal with being stressed and watching everyone else in your family be stressed out of their minds and not do anything about it?
I feel so useless. I'm watching my family and they're all trying to do their best and it's not good enough and I can't help them and its killing me. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost.

. . .

STRESS!!!!!!!!!!
I hate it I want to cry about 10 different things at once but then I don't cause I know that's not going to help whatsoever other than make me more stressed cause I know if I start crying I'll start thinking of everything that's stressing me and I'll find even more stuff to be stressed about and it wont help but then if I don't cry it'll just keep building up and I'll burst in the middle of something randomly. I just want to curl up in a ball and die . . . not really . . . how about curl up in a ball and wait for time to stop?

Stand Still

I just want everything to come to a stand still. Give me a few hours that I can do anything and not worry about other things that I have to do. Time that I could just sit and do nothing during. I cant deal with this constant stress about math and dance and bio. I just need time. But I have to wait a month for that and I don't know if I can wait that long and if I do I don't know if I can enjoy it knowing that I have to go back to this constant stress.
Having an emotional breakdown every Thursday plus one every time something is due in math cant be healthy but I cant help it I cant quit or I wont get my AA and I really need that.
I don't know what to do. I cant even really ask my family for help cause they're all stressed too and whatever space they have to help someone else is taken up by Kimmy's stress cause she has super hard classes.
I'm just at a loss.
I need help!

Boyfriends

I just realized (Which makes me kinda stupid for just realizing it now) that apparently everyone thinks I'm so desperate for a boyfriend or just so unattractive to guys that the only guys that would want date me are either on the rebound of desperate . . . and . . . the desperate guy doesn't even want to go out with me. At this point I'm just trying to keep myself thinking that I just need to wait for the right guy even if he is ten years away. I would really like to have a boyfriend but I guess it's not time yet. Which sucks but, oh well.

I Hate Math!!!!

I hate math!!!!! So much!!!! Every time I think I've got it something changes and it doesn't make sense again. I always feel soooooo stupid when I do math. Especially when things stop being as hard as they were when I first learned them. Cause then I'm just an idiot that makes everything harder than it actually is. Ugh! I Hate Math!!!!!

Feeling Lonely

I'm so sick of feeling lonely. I'm sick of always wanting a boyfriend and almost always thinking of having a boyfriend. I want to stop but I cant seem to. I'm sick of crying over this but I cant stop. Every time I think I'm getting over it, forgetting it, something comes up and I end up crying again. Now it seems every week I get over it and then the weekend comes and I'm surrounded by reminders that I don't have anyone. And to make matters worse Jacen is constantly talking about guys and boyfriends and crushes around me. He's always asking what I like in a guy and who I like and what I'm doing to get them to notice me. And then when I say I'm not doing anything cause I'm too shy to he starts going on about how guys probably just think I'm out of their league. Yeah right. I'm sorry that that's the natural response out of every girl but seriously. The guys I'm around have been around me for years and you're telling me not one of them has the courage to ask out the girl who never has a guy romantically linked to her . . . ever? That just isn't plausible.

My Last Month

So right now I am driving through Texas on the way home from Mississippi after a month long dance intensive with Ballet Magnificat! which was pretty fun. I'm going to post the in depth description of it on my dance blog so look there cause I'm not gonna post it on both cause that's kinda pointless. I will say here that I am so ecstatic to be heading home to see everyone even though I am kind of missing everyone I met there. I wish I could just take all of my new friends home with me. But right now I am looking forward to getting home and seeing Kimmy and Hunter and Talan and Jessica and all of my friends. I missed everyone so so so so much while I was gone.

Catching Up

Sorry I never posted anything about the actual recital night, I just didn't feel like it and this is all I have to say: It went Amazing! It was really fun, and everything went so smoothly.

After recital I had a week off of everything and then I had VBS at church which was awesome! It was really fun, especially cause I had Davina, one of the little little girls from the studio, in my class. One day I ended up in charge of 9 girls! That was almost all of the girls in our group! Most of the boys ended up gravitating toward some Jr. high/freshman (No idea what grade he's actually in) who was really boring, always had a coffee cup in his hands, and barely even did the motions. But he was the only guy leader that wasn't the old dude.

The Saturday after VBS Kim and I left with half of the SMI (Student Missionary Internship) people, which account for less than half of our high school group, on a charter bus to Colorado. It was a two day drive with lots of people I don't like and not many people I do. We stayed for a week and Kim and I each had a different team of about five that did two VBS' a day for the whole week and then we got to get back in the bus with, I think it was, 73-75 teens and adults (Mostly teens), and drive two days home. Which is were I am now, stressing about the fact that I lever for my intensive in four days. AHHHH!

So, it's kinda late and I haven't gotten much sleep this week so I'm going to wait until tomorrow to type out all of the main points of my SMI trip for you but I promise I will tomorrow! I have nothing better to do and I have missed my computer. So I will write again tomorrow afternoon.

Bad Weekend

My weekend has not been fun. I love my family and all but not so much as to have wanted them over for the weekend. But, family tends not to do what you want them to do so on a weekend that I really just wanna be alone, my house is taken over my my nephews who live in the middle of nowhere so we don't see them much. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if they were a little closer in age but no, one is 10 or 11 (Again they live in the middle of nowhere and I don't see them often) and the other is somewhere around a year old.
The 10-11 year old, having been an only child for 10-11 years of his life, is in constant need of a buddy to play with. (When I want to be alone) And the 1 year old, having been spoiled for his whole year-or-so long life is also in need of constant attention. The one year old also has medical problems that his mother has blown way out of proportion which means he is attached, 24/7, to an IV pole that holds a bag of formula that he is fed through a tube in his nose cause he has acid reflux. (In other words, he spit up and then got a cold or something which lead to a sore throat which lead to the conclusion that he has acid reflux and needs a feeding tube.) So obviously Kim and I don't want to be responsible for a spoiled 1 year old baby attached to a pole so we end up with the 10-11 year old. Don't get me wrong, I love Brandon (the 10-11 year old), but, again, I wanted to be left alone. Needless to say that didn't happen.
Then, add to that the fact that I went to sleep at 3 the morning before they arrived, I had to get up at 7 the next morning, I hadn't gotten much sleep the whole week before they showed up, and I have been stressing about the recital (Which is this weekend) and about the intensive (Which I leave for in less than a month and wont have enough money for so I'm going to be in debt all summer.) This weekend was not the best idea.
But wait, there's more. Brandon ends up taking over the TV room so I cant even vege out. And today, when they are supposed to be picked up we were told that their parents were gonna come get them sometime in the afternoon. Apparently, afternoon includes 8 o'clock at night because that's when they showed up. I love my family I want to spend time with them but we aren't a babysitting service. If you say you are going to pick them up around some time, pick them up then!

Boyfriend Blues

Boyfriends suck. Not that I would know cause I've never had one so I guess it's just that other peoples boyfriends suck. I mean Jacen, Kimmy's boyfriend, is cool and all but not when he's over at 10 o'clock at night watching a very loud movie in the back of out house where my room is when I wanna go to sleep. This was what I didn't like about Nick, Kimmy's last boyfriend. Whenever he came over I felt like I got kicked out of my TV room cause he and Kimmy were in there and being the third wheel really sucks. At least with Jacen it isn't so much of a kicking out as a voluntary banishment. With Nick, he would glare at me if I even came close to walking into the TV room. This still suck though cause I'm tired and tomorrow we're having a party for my grandparents anniversary so I kinda wanna get some sleep. :-( This sucks.

Long Time No See

Dude! It's been forever since I've posted! . . . or just a week and a half . . . hehehe I just checked the calendar, it seems like so much longer. I was gonna feel really bad, not that anybody reads this but still I don't like taking a ton of time between posts on anything. Plus this is just gonna be a fluff post.
So, school is out, Thank You Lord! I don't know if I could have stood much more of it. Seriously, it got really bad towards the end. Awkwardness with guys, annoying table mates, extremely hard classes. But I'm done!!!!! Yay!
Now all I have to do right now is worry about the recital, SMI, and the intensive . . . uh.

Guys Suck

I know I've probably said this before but guys suck. The guy that i turned down that's 9 years older than me completely ignored me today. Like, I'm not trying to be like 'He should still be trying to go out with me' But I think completely ignoring me is a little extreme . . . Right? I mean he's really cool and funny but I would have thought that he would have expected me to turn him down cause
1. I'm NINE years younger than him. And
2. I'm not even legal yet!
I really am starting to concider my Dad's pedophile angle.

Stress'll Do That

Aren't best friends that you've known all your life supposed to be supportive and understanding? I've learned recently that apparently they aren't. I've also learned that if you go to college it's not a real school cause it's not mandatory. All of this I learned from my best friend.
I go to college for school even though I'm supposed to be in high school cause I've been home schooled practically my whole life and my friend has been making fun of me forever which I don't mind cause I'm used to jokes and stuff cause my family has a kind of twisted sense of humor. But lately she has really gotten on my nerves cause she says stuff about how she goes to Public School. (I went to a charter school for a few weeks in Jr. High.) And how no school is a real school unless it's public and finally I got upset because she was saying something about how she has it harder cause she goes to a real school cause she goes to public school and I had had enough so I was like "Oh wow, I go to a public school." Which I do. It's a public community college. And then she has the nerve to tell me that college isn't a real school. By this point I am so close to livid so I just say it back to her as a question. "College isn't real school?" And I think it was either my anger or her horrible word choice that she realized and she covered up by saying that it wasn't real school cause it wasn't mandatory. I swear to you, if we hadn't been in the middle of church I would have probably cussed which I practically never do.
What the heck does she mean college isn't mandatory, at least for me?!?!?!?! Right now everyone including members of my own family think I'm an idiot and I'm not socially adjusted and that I can't learn anything cause I was home schooled. When I get my AA this December that is going to be the first thing that acknowledges that I can think and that I'm not stupid. I have to go to college right now.
I have enough crap piling up against me. I have enough people against me. I don't need my best friend to be one of those people. I need someone to understand that I need something that says I'm not stupid because there are plenty of people who think I am. And I need this degree to make everyone see my mom isn't an idiot either for homeschooling me and my sister.

Jerkiness

I feel like such a jerk. The guy from my psych class, the one who's 25, asked me to go to the movies with him tomorrow and I gave him the excuse that I have to work. (Which I do) And then he suggested going on Saturday. And I keep thinking how my dad said it would be better to tell him flat out that I didn't want to go anywhere with him instead of just beating around the bush with excuses so I told him that I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a movie or anything with him (Which isn't saying much cause I don't think I would feel comfortable with any guy) and now I feel like I'm a huge jerk and I don't wanna go to school on Monday cause I don't know what he's going to say or if he's going to ignore me or what. And I feel so horrible!

Guys! :-(

Guys are retarded. I am getting hit on by a 25 year old. I have told him I'm 16 and he is on his way to asking me out to a movie! I have no idea what to do because all the girls I know are telling me to just keep making excuses and my dad is telling me that if I do that he'll just find a way anyway. Dad says to tell him flat out that I am not at all interested but the thing is I think, in this dudes head, he's looking at this like friends but the way he's acting screams 'dating' to me. When I said I wanted to date this was definitely NOT what I wanted!

Body Image

Today I found out that guys wont like you if you don't like yourself. NOT! All you have to do is be a good actor. I was telling Gem and Elizabeth about my mom saying how happy she was that I'm cool with my body (Which I'm not) and Elizabeth goes on about how I look beautiful. And I know that I look OK but it's not like I really like how I look. Then she was going on about how some guy at her birthday party said I was hot and how guys can tell when you don't like yourself and then they aren't attracted to you. For one: apparently I'm a good actor cause everyone is surprised when I say I don't like my body and two: If that were true no one would really like Elizabeth or at least a few months ago no one would have cause I know she at least before didn't like her body if she doesn't still not like it.
I almost which I wasn't a good actress cause it kinda sucks when people cant tell that you really hate your body. And the thing is, I've come to terms with my face and my hair (Mostly) but its the rest of my body that I don't like and it doesn't really make sense that people are surprised that I'm not in love with my body. I'm a dancer who doesn't have a dancer's body for goodness sake. Plus I live with a sister who has the perfect body plus the perfect metabolism. Not to sound conceited or anything but everyone just seems to think that because I didn't go to a 'real' school I don't have problems like that and that my life is perfect and I'm perfect and no one will seem to accept that most of the time I hate my life, I hate myself, and I hate that I cant change either of these things right now because I have no determination.

Reunited And It Feels So . . . Invisible?

So there is this guy. I've known him forever, like we were in the same Sunday school class from first grade through, like, sixth. I don't really know know him its more like I know of him. I used to have a crush on him a long time ago and then he disappeared. Then, I think it was at a Jr. High lock-in at Church he shows up again and starts talking to me while I'm trying to climb a rock wall. Once I get down we talk a little more and then it's his turn and I wanted to hang out with my friends and I leave. Finally last night I had a weird dream that he came to church (Junior year of high school) and have this weird feeling all morning and he ends up actually coming to the high school group, weird, I know.
So Elizabeth and I decided to go over and say high cause he was all alone and I was standing in front of him while Elizabeth was next to him and he like completely ignored me. I'm not saying that he had to be like completely into me but he like never even looked at me. Am I that ugly that a guy doesn't even want to look at me? Cause that's like the only thing I can think of.

Obliviousness

Apparently, I hide my self-esteem and body issues pretty well. My mom was telling me about a pre-teen girl in the classes that Kimmy teaches and how this girl was really self-conscious about her weight and she didn't like how she had a muffin-top and all that junk and the girls mom was saying that it didn't help that her best friend was a stick (Which she really is) and my mom told me how happy she was that I was cool with my body especially cause Kimmy is a stick and I've had to live with her all my life. I have no idea what world mom is living in or if she is just that oblivious. I hate my body, I am constantly comparing myself to Kim, and I am constantly trying to find ways to lose weight (Healthily now, I used to try not to eat but I was too informed on how you gain weight before you start to lose it when you starve yourself) Of course she's telling me this as I'm reading a diet book. Really! I have looked at how many diet and healthy cook book and you think I'm cool with how I look?

Decisions, Decisions

Math sucks. Counselors suck. School sucks.
I went to a career counselor today to see if she could help me decide what I wanted to do with my life and possibly what math class I would need for that and you wanna know what I came up with? NOTHING! She told me I should go take this class called 'career exploration' to find out what I wanna do but I need to be taking the math class at the same time so I was stuck at the same place with which math class to go into. Of course that was before my family got into it. Now, I love my family they are awesome but sometimes I wish they wouldn't keep their opinions to themselves. Today I got arguments for and against each math class plus a speech about how it doesn't matter what class I decide on because they both work. That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted someone to say 'there are 10 reasons to take this class and only 2 for the other, you should take this one.' Bu no everyone has to tell me that it's all my choice.
I feel like its the same as saying 'Its all your choice if you want to screw up and waste money on a lower level class. That's perfectly fine cause it will be your screw up not ours.'

Pros for MAT 151
-Almost no chance of having to take another math class
-I have a math whiz dad and a sister who has already taken the class

Cons for MAT 151
-I wouldn't feel comfortable and would probably put up a concrete/bullet-proof/diamond/any other extremely hard substance wall against any form of math
-I might not actually need it

Pros for MAT 142
-I would feel more comfortable
-I have a math whiz dad and a sister who has been through a higher level math class
-Less chance of a brain block (Or, at least, not as strong a brain block.)

Cons for MAT 142
-It's not practical cause I might need another math class later on

Does anyone else notice that I would rather go to MAT 142. Well I would but ITS NOT PRACTICAL! That's my problem with most things I want to do. They aren't practical. If they aren't practical why do them? Argh! I'm still not any closer to making a decision.

Purity Ring: Lost and Found

So I don't know I if I told you before but last week on, like, Monday I lost my purity ring (which is also my Granny's engagement ring). I went to sleep with it on, had a dream that I gave my ring to someone and when I woke up it was gone. Freak out Major!!!! It was a Diamond Engagement ring for Goodness Sake and I Lost it!!!!I think I've had 10 breakdowns in the past week or so because of it. And yesterday I was cleaning my room and I found it!!! I am so ecstatic! My finger was feeling so bare without it.

Helplessness

If you are faced with any possibility of helplessness, I suggest you run as if death itself is chasing you. Helplessness sucks like no other and I'm only half helpless. Remember that elbow problem I'm having? Well, it's escalated to the point that writing, typing, or basically moving it whatsoever, hurts like I hit my funny bone. And everyone seems to have the same amazing advice for me: "Well, don't move it." NO DUR! Does everyone think I a complete idiot? Like I hadn't thought that I shouldn't move it when it hurts when I move it. So I have been working on my left-handed one-handed typing, which isn't too bad cause I normally type with just my right hand. And I've been working on my left-handed hand-writing, which surprisingly isn't as horrible as I thought it would be.

Stress vent

I am stressed beyond functioning and it's only Sunday! I don't know what to do. I am sitting on my bed crying because I have so much I need to do and I don't know how I'm going to get it all done. Plus I hurt my elbow so I can only bend one arm which seriously limits the things you can do and it's my right elbow so I lost half of the motion in my right arm.

School Sucks

School sucks. I'm sitting in my room crying, at 11:30 at night because all weekend I've been stressed about a project for my psychology class and tonight I remember that I have a test in women in other cultures that I haven't read half of the stuff for yet. Remembering that made me look at the syllabus which says that I have to write out a page long answer to a discussion question about the stuff I haven't read. Seeing all the stuff I forgot about made me figure, keeping a planner might be good. So I bring out the planner I bought at the beginning of the semester and barely used and I start writing out all the stuff for my classes. That definitely did not help my stress level because that lead me to the discovery that I also have a quiz I haven't studied for in food and nutrition tomorrow. School is just a joy isn't it? I am never taking 4 classes in one semester ever again.

(BTW Christa is starting college and she said, for her freshman year of college, she is going to be taking 6 classes. SIX classes!!!! Is she nuts? Especially considering she is taking all of two classes this year in high school. How the heck is she going to live through 6 classes? What kind of advisor is she talking to because obviously this woman needs a reality check!)

Jonas Brothers Concert

I must admit, I am a little disappointed with the Jonas Brothers right now. I was thinking about getting tickets for me and Emelia to go see them and they would be a late birthday present for her. The tickets for the show near us . . . $85! That is ridiculous! I'm sorry, I love the Jonas brothers but I am not spending $200 bucks that could go towards my car on 2 tickets.That is way too much money especially when they are selling out shows. Shouldn't they be able to lower the price then?

School Worries

So my dad and I went to Andy, the adviser my sister and I go see at school, and we were going through what I needed to do to get my AA and after going through the stuff I was doing this semester he goes 'So it looks like all you gotta do is math, science, and an elective.' And I go 'What?' Next semester I'm going to have a degree. Next semester I'm going to have just turned 17. Do you know how horrible and amazing that is all at the same time! That means I have to figure out a major between now and December so I can figure out where I'm going to go for my bachelors and what I'm going to do for at least the next few years! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JB Movie

Well, this sucks. I have been trying to go see the Jonas Brothers movie with my only friend that likes them too (Emelia) and we have been trying to find a time to go for three weeks. Now that we both ahve time its not playing anywhere around us anymore. :-( I'm so depressed cause I know I probably won't be able to get myself to buy it if it comes out on DVD. :-(

Leaving early

So, on wednesday, while mom was gone and Jessica was claning the dance room, I had to answer the phone and it was one of the adults that had stopped coming to classes a few months ago with no explanation. After she hadn't shown up in a while we stopped waiting for her and went home, cause she had been the only one in that class. Apparently on one night that we went home early she came for class and saw that we were close. So when she called she asked if we still had adult classes and explained that she had come by and we were close. I told her we did still have them (Cause we would if she was coming) and she said 'Ok.' and then hung up. Well she didn't show up for the adult ballet that night so I was just assuming that she would come tonight for the adult tap. Then mom and Kimmy started complaining cause they didn't want to stay an extra 15 minutes just in case she showed up so we left.
I almost hope that she came and we were close cause then it would show mom and Kim how unprofessional it was to have me have said that there still were classes and then decide 15 minutes is really goining to make that much of a difference at home and leave early. Plus mom's saying she doesn't want to do the tap class cause there's only one person in it, even though we need more students if we are hoping to go past next year.

So for SMI we have to learn a bible verse every week and then write it down and we get graded on how well we did. You have to get 80% to pass or else you have to take it again which isnt a big deal its just annoying cause most of the verses we do we have been reciting since preschool.
I knew this weeks verse, I still know it

Matthew 22:37-38

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.

I swear I will never again forget the 'and' between 'all your heart AND with all your soul.' Wanna know why? They took 20 pointes off for missing it! Yeah, I know, I got the 80% and passed but still 20 points off for forgetting an 'AND'!!! Seriously! And to add insult to injury, my friend missed five words (That were actually important to the meaning of the verse) and she got a 70%! She got marked off 6 points per word (Yes, I am so pissed I did the math) and I got off 20! Think about it, is 'and' really that important to this verse? No, you could take out two of the three 'and's and still have a perfectly meaningful, not to mention easier to remember, verse!

Sleep-less-ness

2:2something AM
Apparently I'm really stressed. I only stay up really late and not feel tired till, like, 4 in the morning when I'm really stressed. Cause my body seems to think that lack of sleep is going to make it all better. Yeah, I know, its stupid and it sucks. well during the night it doesn't cause I'm such a night owl, but in the morning it sucks.

4:2something AM
. . . yay its past 4 and I'm still not tired. Don't you just love those little quirks your body has. No? neither do I. I could defiantly live with out these late-night interventions. I always end up crying at some point and then I'm good for another week or two. Why cant I just get everything every January 1st? Then I wouldn't have to deal with this all year.

Single-ness

Being single sucks. But, reading fanfics about normal girls hooking up with hot celebritys when you're single sucks even worse. Why do I submit myself to this kind of torture?! The stories are just too darn good to stop reading. Plus, their great bordom busters.

Things that people who know me don't know

1. I envy people with eating disorders because I don't have the determination to starve myself or throw up everything I eat
2. I'm not sure what I believe in right now
3. I rarely like how I look.
4. I'm almost constantly thinking about how my stomach looks
5. I wore an ace bandage wrapped around my waist when I was thirteen because it made me look skinny
6. I wish my problems were worse so that I could tell someone and they would actually care
7. I told my mom about my body image problems once and she spent the week making me feel guilty about everything I ate
8. I've never had anyone I could tell everything to
9. I dont believe I'll ever have someone I'm comfortable telling everything to
10. I dont tell my friends about my problems because every time I have tried in the past they belittled them
11. I make believe I'm happy around my friends because I don't want to be devistated if they don't notice when I'm upset

Cooking

I cook for my family sometime on fridays and today I was thinking and I couldn't figure out why I do it cause I don't really like cooking. I barely ever like what I make. Then I thought some more and after I was getting so stressed out cause I had to leave the kitchen a mess while we ate (Yeah, I know, I can't keep my room clean for a week but I'm OCD about the kitchen) I figured out that I don't like cooking, I like cleaning. It's very relaxing once I get into it. Even when mom was just criticizing how I served it just before and was still running around I felt so much better when I was cleaning.

Eating

I'm so done with this! Just because I'm taking a nutrition class my family thinks that I'm automatically going to take an hour to make a perfectly nutritious meal every time I'm hungry. Every time I even think about eating candy or dessert they freak cause its not healthy. I'm having a hard enough time with how I look without my mom watching everything I eat and my brother telling me I should write down everything I eat. And knowing that I cant even develop an eating disorder (I've tried) doesn't make it any better cause I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I've even told my mom about my problems with my weight and how my body looks and her solution is to comment on everything I eat because I just have so much time and resources to eat super healthy. Practically everything that is fast in our house is bad for you and all the healthy stuff takes time and effort and most of the time I need something fast or don't want to have to do a ton to eat. I know that sounds really lazy but it's normally after I've been out of the house all day or when I just finished dancing for 3 hours.

Bible Study Confusion

For SMI (Student Missionary Internship) I have to do a bible study that my church gave my grade. I've already gone through this study but it's making a lot less sense this time around.
First of all there's a story about a pastor in England or something and then questions about the story. The first question asks how this pastor began his search for God's will. The answer was that he tried to only want God's will (perfectly fine answer) and that he made sure he had no will of his own (the stupid answer). Why would a God who gave us free will want us to throw it away. Yeah we should look for Gods will and want to do it but I don't believe that we should have no will of our own. If we have no will of our own then it isn't our choice to follow God.
I am starting to question a lot about Christianity which really stinks cause if I'm not a Christian I don't know what I would do. I need God because I need to have someone who is always there for me. But some of the stuff in these studies and what people say sounds really weird, like why would God say that. I think I want to read the bible on my own. Like read through the whole thing start to finish. I don't like when people take single verses out of the bible cause it's so much easier to twist the words that way. Sometimes if you just heard the verses before and after a certain verse it would make a lot more sense.

So, I need an outlet just to ramble when I don't want to annoy the people I know so I decided to annoy anyone who reads this.

Have you ever felt like everyone wants you to be normal and different all at the same time?
I feel like that a lot. I think 'normal' and 'different' should never be used when talking about people. Cause everyone wants to be a 'normal' teenager and fit in but then they all want to be different. And then if you like something that everyone else happens to like you cant say you like it cause then you would be part of the crowd which half of them don't actually like whatever it is and the other half are the ones who started the trend. But you cant join the trend because then everyone thinks you are just joining cause everyone else is, even though you aren't and you actually do like this thing. Why is it so confusing? Why cant you just like what you like and let everyone get over it? Well you want to be different.

Being home schooled and starting college at 13 makes it incredibly difficult to fit in but being different sucks cause it's not like you're just different cause you dress funny or you like anime or whatever. Plus I'm Christian so that's a public no-no. I don't really fit in with my church friends cause I only went to school for 2 weeks in the 'correct' grade and even that doesn't count cause I went to a charter school that had dance instead of P.E. (Explain to me that logic and I would be incredibly happy) Then I don't fit in at school cause I'm 16 which means I'm at least 3 years younger than most people there and even if I meet a high school student who's taking classes I don't fit with them cause I started freshman yeah of high school and cause I don't go to a high school at the same time I'm going to college.

I hate talking to people on the phone. I'm too sarcastic. Elizabeth called me and cause she was already talking to one of her guy friends it was a three-way and I found out I'm really blunt. I always feel like I'm holding stuff back and being really nice. Well, not really nice but nicer than if I spoke my mind. So we were all talking and I really didn't want to talk so I was being really blunt and really sarcastic. Apparently, I really convincing when I'm sarcastic cause the guy would be teasing me and I would say something sarcastic like 'I'm so hurt' or 'you hurt my feelings' or something like that and Elizabeth would be trying to make sure I knew he was joking. I'm not an idiot. I can tell when people are joking . . . most of the time and this guy's voice was really easy to read so it wasn't that hard. I like being face to face when I wanna talk to someone or be typing it out. Then I can be sure, most of the time, that they know I'm joking and stuff. Otherwise I feel like a complete idiot cause they didn't get it.

So, I guess that's the end of my rant for today. Sorry I skipped around a lot, I have a very ADHD mind. Hope I didn't bore or confuse you too much.