School Sucks

School sucks. I'm sitting in my room crying, at 11:30 at night because all weekend I've been stressed about a project for my psychology class and tonight I remember that I have a test in women in other cultures that I haven't read half of the stuff for yet. Remembering that made me look at the syllabus which says that I have to write out a page long answer to a discussion question about the stuff I haven't read. Seeing all the stuff I forgot about made me figure, keeping a planner might be good. So I bring out the planner I bought at the beginning of the semester and barely used and I start writing out all the stuff for my classes. That definitely did not help my stress level because that lead me to the discovery that I also have a quiz I haven't studied for in food and nutrition tomorrow. School is just a joy isn't it? I am never taking 4 classes in one semester ever again.

(BTW Christa is starting college and she said, for her freshman year of college, she is going to be taking 6 classes. SIX classes!!!! Is she nuts? Especially considering she is taking all of two classes this year in high school. How the heck is she going to live through 6 classes? What kind of advisor is she talking to because obviously this woman needs a reality check!)

Jonas Brothers Concert

I must admit, I am a little disappointed with the Jonas Brothers right now. I was thinking about getting tickets for me and Emelia to go see them and they would be a late birthday present for her. The tickets for the show near us . . . $85! That is ridiculous! I'm sorry, I love the Jonas brothers but I am not spending $200 bucks that could go towards my car on 2 tickets.That is way too much money especially when they are selling out shows. Shouldn't they be able to lower the price then?

School Worries

So my dad and I went to Andy, the adviser my sister and I go see at school, and we were going through what I needed to do to get my AA and after going through the stuff I was doing this semester he goes 'So it looks like all you gotta do is math, science, and an elective.' And I go 'What?' Next semester I'm going to have a degree. Next semester I'm going to have just turned 17. Do you know how horrible and amazing that is all at the same time! That means I have to figure out a major between now and December so I can figure out where I'm going to go for my bachelors and what I'm going to do for at least the next few years! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JB Movie

Well, this sucks. I have been trying to go see the Jonas Brothers movie with my only friend that likes them too (Emelia) and we have been trying to find a time to go for three weeks. Now that we both ahve time its not playing anywhere around us anymore. :-( I'm so depressed cause I know I probably won't be able to get myself to buy it if it comes out on DVD. :-(

Leaving early

So, on wednesday, while mom was gone and Jessica was claning the dance room, I had to answer the phone and it was one of the adults that had stopped coming to classes a few months ago with no explanation. After she hadn't shown up in a while we stopped waiting for her and went home, cause she had been the only one in that class. Apparently on one night that we went home early she came for class and saw that we were close. So when she called she asked if we still had adult classes and explained that she had come by and we were close. I told her we did still have them (Cause we would if she was coming) and she said 'Ok.' and then hung up. Well she didn't show up for the adult ballet that night so I was just assuming that she would come tonight for the adult tap. Then mom and Kimmy started complaining cause they didn't want to stay an extra 15 minutes just in case she showed up so we left.
I almost hope that she came and we were close cause then it would show mom and Kim how unprofessional it was to have me have said that there still were classes and then decide 15 minutes is really goining to make that much of a difference at home and leave early. Plus mom's saying she doesn't want to do the tap class cause there's only one person in it, even though we need more students if we are hoping to go past next year.

So for SMI we have to learn a bible verse every week and then write it down and we get graded on how well we did. You have to get 80% to pass or else you have to take it again which isnt a big deal its just annoying cause most of the verses we do we have been reciting since preschool.
I knew this weeks verse, I still know it

Matthew 22:37-38

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.

I swear I will never again forget the 'and' between 'all your heart AND with all your soul.' Wanna know why? They took 20 pointes off for missing it! Yeah, I know, I got the 80% and passed but still 20 points off for forgetting an 'AND'!!! Seriously! And to add insult to injury, my friend missed five words (That were actually important to the meaning of the verse) and she got a 70%! She got marked off 6 points per word (Yes, I am so pissed I did the math) and I got off 20! Think about it, is 'and' really that important to this verse? No, you could take out two of the three 'and's and still have a perfectly meaningful, not to mention easier to remember, verse!

Sleep-less-ness

2:2something AM
Apparently I'm really stressed. I only stay up really late and not feel tired till, like, 4 in the morning when I'm really stressed. Cause my body seems to think that lack of sleep is going to make it all better. Yeah, I know, its stupid and it sucks. well during the night it doesn't cause I'm such a night owl, but in the morning it sucks.

4:2something AM
. . . yay its past 4 and I'm still not tired. Don't you just love those little quirks your body has. No? neither do I. I could defiantly live with out these late-night interventions. I always end up crying at some point and then I'm good for another week or two. Why cant I just get everything every January 1st? Then I wouldn't have to deal with this all year.

Single-ness

Being single sucks. But, reading fanfics about normal girls hooking up with hot celebritys when you're single sucks even worse. Why do I submit myself to this kind of torture?! The stories are just too darn good to stop reading. Plus, their great bordom busters.

Things that people who know me don't know

1. I envy people with eating disorders because I don't have the determination to starve myself or throw up everything I eat
2. I'm not sure what I believe in right now
3. I rarely like how I look.
4. I'm almost constantly thinking about how my stomach looks
5. I wore an ace bandage wrapped around my waist when I was thirteen because it made me look skinny
6. I wish my problems were worse so that I could tell someone and they would actually care
7. I told my mom about my body image problems once and she spent the week making me feel guilty about everything I ate
8. I've never had anyone I could tell everything to
9. I dont believe I'll ever have someone I'm comfortable telling everything to
10. I dont tell my friends about my problems because every time I have tried in the past they belittled them
11. I make believe I'm happy around my friends because I don't want to be devistated if they don't notice when I'm upset

Cooking

I cook for my family sometime on fridays and today I was thinking and I couldn't figure out why I do it cause I don't really like cooking. I barely ever like what I make. Then I thought some more and after I was getting so stressed out cause I had to leave the kitchen a mess while we ate (Yeah, I know, I can't keep my room clean for a week but I'm OCD about the kitchen) I figured out that I don't like cooking, I like cleaning. It's very relaxing once I get into it. Even when mom was just criticizing how I served it just before and was still running around I felt so much better when I was cleaning.

Eating

I'm so done with this! Just because I'm taking a nutrition class my family thinks that I'm automatically going to take an hour to make a perfectly nutritious meal every time I'm hungry. Every time I even think about eating candy or dessert they freak cause its not healthy. I'm having a hard enough time with how I look without my mom watching everything I eat and my brother telling me I should write down everything I eat. And knowing that I cant even develop an eating disorder (I've tried) doesn't make it any better cause I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I've even told my mom about my problems with my weight and how my body looks and her solution is to comment on everything I eat because I just have so much time and resources to eat super healthy. Practically everything that is fast in our house is bad for you and all the healthy stuff takes time and effort and most of the time I need something fast or don't want to have to do a ton to eat. I know that sounds really lazy but it's normally after I've been out of the house all day or when I just finished dancing for 3 hours.

Bible Study Confusion

For SMI (Student Missionary Internship) I have to do a bible study that my church gave my grade. I've already gone through this study but it's making a lot less sense this time around.
First of all there's a story about a pastor in England or something and then questions about the story. The first question asks how this pastor began his search for God's will. The answer was that he tried to only want God's will (perfectly fine answer) and that he made sure he had no will of his own (the stupid answer). Why would a God who gave us free will want us to throw it away. Yeah we should look for Gods will and want to do it but I don't believe that we should have no will of our own. If we have no will of our own then it isn't our choice to follow God.
I am starting to question a lot about Christianity which really stinks cause if I'm not a Christian I don't know what I would do. I need God because I need to have someone who is always there for me. But some of the stuff in these studies and what people say sounds really weird, like why would God say that. I think I want to read the bible on my own. Like read through the whole thing start to finish. I don't like when people take single verses out of the bible cause it's so much easier to twist the words that way. Sometimes if you just heard the verses before and after a certain verse it would make a lot more sense.

So, I need an outlet just to ramble when I don't want to annoy the people I know so I decided to annoy anyone who reads this.

Have you ever felt like everyone wants you to be normal and different all at the same time?
I feel like that a lot. I think 'normal' and 'different' should never be used when talking about people. Cause everyone wants to be a 'normal' teenager and fit in but then they all want to be different. And then if you like something that everyone else happens to like you cant say you like it cause then you would be part of the crowd which half of them don't actually like whatever it is and the other half are the ones who started the trend. But you cant join the trend because then everyone thinks you are just joining cause everyone else is, even though you aren't and you actually do like this thing. Why is it so confusing? Why cant you just like what you like and let everyone get over it? Well you want to be different.

Being home schooled and starting college at 13 makes it incredibly difficult to fit in but being different sucks cause it's not like you're just different cause you dress funny or you like anime or whatever. Plus I'm Christian so that's a public no-no. I don't really fit in with my church friends cause I only went to school for 2 weeks in the 'correct' grade and even that doesn't count cause I went to a charter school that had dance instead of P.E. (Explain to me that logic and I would be incredibly happy) Then I don't fit in at school cause I'm 16 which means I'm at least 3 years younger than most people there and even if I meet a high school student who's taking classes I don't fit with them cause I started freshman yeah of high school and cause I don't go to a high school at the same time I'm going to college.

I hate talking to people on the phone. I'm too sarcastic. Elizabeth called me and cause she was already talking to one of her guy friends it was a three-way and I found out I'm really blunt. I always feel like I'm holding stuff back and being really nice. Well, not really nice but nicer than if I spoke my mind. So we were all talking and I really didn't want to talk so I was being really blunt and really sarcastic. Apparently, I really convincing when I'm sarcastic cause the guy would be teasing me and I would say something sarcastic like 'I'm so hurt' or 'you hurt my feelings' or something like that and Elizabeth would be trying to make sure I knew he was joking. I'm not an idiot. I can tell when people are joking . . . most of the time and this guy's voice was really easy to read so it wasn't that hard. I like being face to face when I wanna talk to someone or be typing it out. Then I can be sure, most of the time, that they know I'm joking and stuff. Otherwise I feel like a complete idiot cause they didn't get it.

So, I guess that's the end of my rant for today. Sorry I skipped around a lot, I have a very ADHD mind. Hope I didn't bore or confuse you too much.