Jerkiness

I feel like such a jerk. The guy from my psych class, the one who's 25, asked me to go to the movies with him tomorrow and I gave him the excuse that I have to work. (Which I do) And then he suggested going on Saturday. And I keep thinking how my dad said it would be better to tell him flat out that I didn't want to go anywhere with him instead of just beating around the bush with excuses so I told him that I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a movie or anything with him (Which isn't saying much cause I don't think I would feel comfortable with any guy) and now I feel like I'm a huge jerk and I don't wanna go to school on Monday cause I don't know what he's going to say or if he's going to ignore me or what. And I feel so horrible!

Guys! :-(

Guys are retarded. I am getting hit on by a 25 year old. I have told him I'm 16 and he is on his way to asking me out to a movie! I have no idea what to do because all the girls I know are telling me to just keep making excuses and my dad is telling me that if I do that he'll just find a way anyway. Dad says to tell him flat out that I am not at all interested but the thing is I think, in this dudes head, he's looking at this like friends but the way he's acting screams 'dating' to me. When I said I wanted to date this was definitely NOT what I wanted!

Body Image

Today I found out that guys wont like you if you don't like yourself. NOT! All you have to do is be a good actor. I was telling Gem and Elizabeth about my mom saying how happy she was that I'm cool with my body (Which I'm not) and Elizabeth goes on about how I look beautiful. And I know that I look OK but it's not like I really like how I look. Then she was going on about how some guy at her birthday party said I was hot and how guys can tell when you don't like yourself and then they aren't attracted to you. For one: apparently I'm a good actor cause everyone is surprised when I say I don't like my body and two: If that were true no one would really like Elizabeth or at least a few months ago no one would have cause I know she at least before didn't like her body if she doesn't still not like it.
I almost which I wasn't a good actress cause it kinda sucks when people cant tell that you really hate your body. And the thing is, I've come to terms with my face and my hair (Mostly) but its the rest of my body that I don't like and it doesn't really make sense that people are surprised that I'm not in love with my body. I'm a dancer who doesn't have a dancer's body for goodness sake. Plus I live with a sister who has the perfect body plus the perfect metabolism. Not to sound conceited or anything but everyone just seems to think that because I didn't go to a 'real' school I don't have problems like that and that my life is perfect and I'm perfect and no one will seem to accept that most of the time I hate my life, I hate myself, and I hate that I cant change either of these things right now because I have no determination.

Reunited And It Feels So . . . Invisible?

So there is this guy. I've known him forever, like we were in the same Sunday school class from first grade through, like, sixth. I don't really know know him its more like I know of him. I used to have a crush on him a long time ago and then he disappeared. Then, I think it was at a Jr. High lock-in at Church he shows up again and starts talking to me while I'm trying to climb a rock wall. Once I get down we talk a little more and then it's his turn and I wanted to hang out with my friends and I leave. Finally last night I had a weird dream that he came to church (Junior year of high school) and have this weird feeling all morning and he ends up actually coming to the high school group, weird, I know.
So Elizabeth and I decided to go over and say high cause he was all alone and I was standing in front of him while Elizabeth was next to him and he like completely ignored me. I'm not saying that he had to be like completely into me but he like never even looked at me. Am I that ugly that a guy doesn't even want to look at me? Cause that's like the only thing I can think of.

Obliviousness

Apparently, I hide my self-esteem and body issues pretty well. My mom was telling me about a pre-teen girl in the classes that Kimmy teaches and how this girl was really self-conscious about her weight and she didn't like how she had a muffin-top and all that junk and the girls mom was saying that it didn't help that her best friend was a stick (Which she really is) and my mom told me how happy she was that I was cool with my body especially cause Kimmy is a stick and I've had to live with her all my life. I have no idea what world mom is living in or if she is just that oblivious. I hate my body, I am constantly comparing myself to Kim, and I am constantly trying to find ways to lose weight (Healthily now, I used to try not to eat but I was too informed on how you gain weight before you start to lose it when you starve yourself) Of course she's telling me this as I'm reading a diet book. Really! I have looked at how many diet and healthy cook book and you think I'm cool with how I look?

Decisions, Decisions

Math sucks. Counselors suck. School sucks.
I went to a career counselor today to see if she could help me decide what I wanted to do with my life and possibly what math class I would need for that and you wanna know what I came up with? NOTHING! She told me I should go take this class called 'career exploration' to find out what I wanna do but I need to be taking the math class at the same time so I was stuck at the same place with which math class to go into. Of course that was before my family got into it. Now, I love my family they are awesome but sometimes I wish they wouldn't keep their opinions to themselves. Today I got arguments for and against each math class plus a speech about how it doesn't matter what class I decide on because they both work. That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted someone to say 'there are 10 reasons to take this class and only 2 for the other, you should take this one.' Bu no everyone has to tell me that it's all my choice.
I feel like its the same as saying 'Its all your choice if you want to screw up and waste money on a lower level class. That's perfectly fine cause it will be your screw up not ours.'

Pros for MAT 151
-Almost no chance of having to take another math class
-I have a math whiz dad and a sister who has already taken the class

Cons for MAT 151
-I wouldn't feel comfortable and would probably put up a concrete/bullet-proof/diamond/any other extremely hard substance wall against any form of math
-I might not actually need it

Pros for MAT 142
-I would feel more comfortable
-I have a math whiz dad and a sister who has been through a higher level math class
-Less chance of a brain block (Or, at least, not as strong a brain block.)

Cons for MAT 142
-It's not practical cause I might need another math class later on

Does anyone else notice that I would rather go to MAT 142. Well I would but ITS NOT PRACTICAL! That's my problem with most things I want to do. They aren't practical. If they aren't practical why do them? Argh! I'm still not any closer to making a decision.

Purity Ring: Lost and Found

So I don't know I if I told you before but last week on, like, Monday I lost my purity ring (which is also my Granny's engagement ring). I went to sleep with it on, had a dream that I gave my ring to someone and when I woke up it was gone. Freak out Major!!!! It was a Diamond Engagement ring for Goodness Sake and I Lost it!!!!I think I've had 10 breakdowns in the past week or so because of it. And yesterday I was cleaning my room and I found it!!! I am so ecstatic! My finger was feeling so bare without it.

Helplessness

If you are faced with any possibility of helplessness, I suggest you run as if death itself is chasing you. Helplessness sucks like no other and I'm only half helpless. Remember that elbow problem I'm having? Well, it's escalated to the point that writing, typing, or basically moving it whatsoever, hurts like I hit my funny bone. And everyone seems to have the same amazing advice for me: "Well, don't move it." NO DUR! Does everyone think I a complete idiot? Like I hadn't thought that I shouldn't move it when it hurts when I move it. So I have been working on my left-handed one-handed typing, which isn't too bad cause I normally type with just my right hand. And I've been working on my left-handed hand-writing, which surprisingly isn't as horrible as I thought it would be.

Stress vent

I am stressed beyond functioning and it's only Sunday! I don't know what to do. I am sitting on my bed crying because I have so much I need to do and I don't know how I'm going to get it all done. Plus I hurt my elbow so I can only bend one arm which seriously limits the things you can do and it's my right elbow so I lost half of the motion in my right arm.