Feeling Lonely

I'm so sick of feeling lonely. I'm sick of always wanting a boyfriend and almost always thinking of having a boyfriend. I want to stop but I cant seem to. I'm sick of crying over this but I cant stop. Every time I think I'm getting over it, forgetting it, something comes up and I end up crying again. Now it seems every week I get over it and then the weekend comes and I'm surrounded by reminders that I don't have anyone. And to make matters worse Jacen is constantly talking about guys and boyfriends and crushes around me. He's always asking what I like in a guy and who I like and what I'm doing to get them to notice me. And then when I say I'm not doing anything cause I'm too shy to he starts going on about how guys probably just think I'm out of their league. Yeah right. I'm sorry that that's the natural response out of every girl but seriously. The guys I'm around have been around me for years and you're telling me not one of them has the courage to ask out the girl who never has a guy romantically linked to her . . . ever? That just isn't plausible.

Boyfriend Blues

Boyfriends suck. Not that I would know cause I've never had one so I guess it's just that other peoples boyfriends suck. I mean Jacen, Kimmy's boyfriend, is cool and all but not when he's over at 10 o'clock at night watching a very loud movie in the back of out house where my room is when I wanna go to sleep. This was what I didn't like about Nick, Kimmy's last boyfriend. Whenever he came over I felt like I got kicked out of my TV room cause he and Kimmy were in there and being the third wheel really sucks. At least with Jacen it isn't so much of a kicking out as a voluntary banishment. With Nick, he would glare at me if I even came close to walking into the TV room. This still suck though cause I'm tired and tomorrow we're having a party for my grandparents anniversary so I kinda wanna get some sleep. :-( This sucks.

Guys! :-(

Guys are retarded. I am getting hit on by a 25 year old. I have told him I'm 16 and he is on his way to asking me out to a movie! I have no idea what to do because all the girls I know are telling me to just keep making excuses and my dad is telling me that if I do that he'll just find a way anyway. Dad says to tell him flat out that I am not at all interested but the thing is I think, in this dudes head, he's looking at this like friends but the way he's acting screams 'dating' to me. When I said I wanted to date this was definitely NOT what I wanted!

Body Image

Today I found out that guys wont like you if you don't like yourself. NOT! All you have to do is be a good actor. I was telling Gem and Elizabeth about my mom saying how happy she was that I'm cool with my body (Which I'm not) and Elizabeth goes on about how I look beautiful. And I know that I look OK but it's not like I really like how I look. Then she was going on about how some guy at her birthday party said I was hot and how guys can tell when you don't like yourself and then they aren't attracted to you. For one: apparently I'm a good actor cause everyone is surprised when I say I don't like my body and two: If that were true no one would really like Elizabeth or at least a few months ago no one would have cause I know she at least before didn't like her body if she doesn't still not like it.
I almost which I wasn't a good actress cause it kinda sucks when people cant tell that you really hate your body. And the thing is, I've come to terms with my face and my hair (Mostly) but its the rest of my body that I don't like and it doesn't really make sense that people are surprised that I'm not in love with my body. I'm a dancer who doesn't have a dancer's body for goodness sake. Plus I live with a sister who has the perfect body plus the perfect metabolism. Not to sound conceited or anything but everyone just seems to think that because I didn't go to a 'real' school I don't have problems like that and that my life is perfect and I'm perfect and no one will seem to accept that most of the time I hate my life, I hate myself, and I hate that I cant change either of these things right now because I have no determination.