Sleep Is Not Productive But It Is Oh So Nice. (NaBloPoMo #17)

After that long sleepover that I actually didn't enjoy, I normally dread going and then have a pretty good time but that didn't happen this time, I was exhausted. My previous experience with sleepovers is that I get really tired after them but I stay awake all day and then just sleep real well the next night. I guess that was not on the schedule for this time.

I made it through church and it wasn't too bad, I ate lunch and started being somewhat productive. And then Kim comes in, we talk about a lot of random stuff, end up getting in a teeny weeny fight (We were both really tired and later apologized), and then I am left laying on my bed . . . bad idea. I fall asleep and don't wake up until it's time to go back to church, if I got up immediately. That didn't happen and although I was planning on getting up and being productive some more, I fell asleep . . . until mom and Kim came back from church. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my day. Not that it wasn't nice or anything, I just had a lot of things that I wanted to get done.

In other news, Gem almost got murdered today. After the sleep over she decided that she was too tired to go to church. That was annoying in the first place but her reasoning was just the icing on the cake. "I'm just too tired, I wont want to talk to any of the kids, you wouldn't want me at a party if I was going to be this tired." Really? For one, the three other people at the sleep over, who slept the same amount as you all went to church. Two, you are saying that you cant put some sleep deprivation aside in order to talk to some fifth and sixth graders for an hour? I think that says a lot about how much you actually care about these kids. And last, not to say Club 56 isn't fun but comparing it to a party? Really? This is your commitment, not a weekend fling. Show some loyalty.

Dying Friendship

What do you do when you feel like you're growing apart from your friend but they aren't? I feel like I don't know her as well and I definitely don't think she knows me very well anymore either.
We went to a movie, me, Kim, and her. Originally we were supposed to go see a funny movie a few days before Christmas but instead we go see 'Avatar.' Gem had already seen it and wanted to see it again. I didn't. But whatever, it was a friend day I figured it didn't really matter. Apparently I never made it clear that I don't like war movies and battle scenes because that was what half the movie was. Plus, when I said that it wasn't really my kind of movie, she goes 'oh I didn't realize that.'
Its not even just that. I just feel like we used to be so much closer. And now we're not. It's kinda depressing. And its not like I want us to we just are, at least on my side.

Body Image

Today I found out that guys wont like you if you don't like yourself. NOT! All you have to do is be a good actor. I was telling Gem and Elizabeth about my mom saying how happy she was that I'm cool with my body (Which I'm not) and Elizabeth goes on about how I look beautiful. And I know that I look OK but it's not like I really like how I look. Then she was going on about how some guy at her birthday party said I was hot and how guys can tell when you don't like yourself and then they aren't attracted to you. For one: apparently I'm a good actor cause everyone is surprised when I say I don't like my body and two: If that were true no one would really like Elizabeth or at least a few months ago no one would have cause I know she at least before didn't like her body if she doesn't still not like it.
I almost which I wasn't a good actress cause it kinda sucks when people cant tell that you really hate your body. And the thing is, I've come to terms with my face and my hair (Mostly) but its the rest of my body that I don't like and it doesn't really make sense that people are surprised that I'm not in love with my body. I'm a dancer who doesn't have a dancer's body for goodness sake. Plus I live with a sister who has the perfect body plus the perfect metabolism. Not to sound conceited or anything but everyone just seems to think that because I didn't go to a 'real' school I don't have problems like that and that my life is perfect and I'm perfect and no one will seem to accept that most of the time I hate my life, I hate myself, and I hate that I cant change either of these things right now because I have no determination.