Competition (NaBloPoMo #9)

I am starting to get the feeling that my friend is crushing on my crush . . . Which is ok with me, generally, but it does make me feel a little threatened.

So my friend . . . lets call her Priscilla (:-P), was texting me on Thursday . . . or it was Friday afternoon, I cant remember. We were talking about the meeting and she invited me to hang out with her, and a few of the teenage/college people who were going on the trip, after the meeting. This group was supposed to include my crush . . . Let's call him Connor . . . so initially I was like, "Yeah, sure I'll go." and then the first weird thing happened, Priscilla says "Well we are going to be staying out pretty late . . ." I was assuming that anyway but then as I thought about it more, I remembered that I would have to get up early and decided not to go.

Priscilla made fun of me a little but I thought it was kind of strange that she would invite me and then seem to try to get me to back out. But, whatever.

Then, today I asked her if she had fun hanging out with everyone and she went off telling me that it was ok but Connor ditched and it made her feel bad about herself and went off on a little pity party, which I thought was strange because even if I like a guy, I am not going to feel bad about myself if he ditches hanging out with a group of people that I am included in. And, I definately wouldn't feel bad about myself if I wasn't crushing on the guy.

Those incidents, along with a conversation we had a while ago about me not being upset that she, Connor and some other guy had hung out after the last meeting that I couldn't go to, make me start to suspect that she likes him too.

I think this upsets her more than it does me cause my thoughts are that you like who you like and guys like who they like. Just cause I like a guy and you hide your feelings about a guy doesn't make it anymore likely that he will decide to ask me out or whatever. I find that "Girl Code" dibs type system retarded. Girls can like the same guy and it is his choice who he is going to pay attention to.

The only reason I feel a little threatened by this is because I am a very shy person and she is not. I'm scared that he will end up liking her instead of me but in the end, what happens happens. Priscilla is pretty and gets hit on a lot. I guess just because she might like him now doesn't make him anymore likely to like her. She would be more outgoing than me in any case. I guess I am also now afraid that if she likes him and he asks me out, she might be upset. . . I don't know, I might be reading to far into this, like I do often. I should just ignore it and go to bed.

Good night, hopefully this all works out in the end. :-)

Outsider (NaBloPoMo #8)

I hate being an outsider. I guess part of the reason why I hate it so much is because I always feel like one. I cant remember a time that I really felt that I belonged somewhere. I guess when I was at my old dance studio. I felt like an insider. I belonged there because I had been there since ever.

Now I feel like I cant be an insider because I am an insider. That doesn't really make sense, but it does. I'm the owners kid, I feel like I'm not especially friends with anyone at the studio because I feel like I'm a spy of sorts. I also am older than most of them. Of course that doesn't mean that I am really friends with other teachers either. Kristy's older than me and she is also my teacher as well as being a coworker, so that is complicated. Kristin, while she is a decent person and I don't think she is absolutely horrible, she just isn't who I have a real desire to be great friends with.

Sorry, I should tell you what brought this on. I went to the Pinon meeting and, while it was pretty fun, I felt like a retard most of the time. I felt like an outsider. I know I expected it but feeling it and wanting so much to be part of a group right now, it was not very easy for me. I don't know. I guess I'm waiting to feel like I belong and nothing that I try works. Pinon is just another attempt to be a part of a group and I just don't know if it's going to work . . .

This Weekend (NaBloPoMo #7)

Ugh Procrastination :-( So, I have nothing to write about today, or at least nothing that springs to mind 45 min after my bed time so I was going to use the NaBloPoMo prompt for today but it was about a lucky item, of which I have none. So instead I am using the one for tomorrow which is already posted and asks: What is one thing you are looking forward to this weekend?

The one thing I am looking forward to this weekend . . . I kind of have two but one is not actually on the weekend, depending on what you count as the weekend. The one that doesn't count is tomorrow. I have a meeting to go to for a missions trip (Pinon) I am going on. The family who are the central coordinators of this are old family friends who are a very funny group so it's sure to be a fun meeting. I wasn't able to go last time which was the first meeting cause of something else so I am excited to see what's going to happen. There is another reason that I am excited to go to this meeting, I happen to be crushing on one of the sons of this family. I went on a different missions trip with him last year and developed this crush and, although I really haven't seen him since we got back from that trip I am still crushing pretty bad. It doesn't help that I am a hopeless romantic and have a way overactive imagination. :-)

The second thing I am looking forward to is going back to FMSC on Saturday. FMSC stands for Feed My Starving Children. You can volunteer to pack food that is sent to starving children around the world. Kim and I have been going a lot lately and I finally figured out how to describe why we go. I used to say it was fun but then everyone goes 'Doing the same repetitive motion, over and over again is fun?' I guess fun wasn't the right word. It's enjoyable. And I mean that in the best possible way. I don't have to think a lot and I'm doing something for someone else at the same time. It's enjoyable.

So that is what I am looking forward to this weekend. Also, I'm going to work on my left handed writing but thats not so much a set thing as a 'I hope I get to it' thing. :-)

Ahhh! Procrastination and Stress (NaBloPoMo #6)

So, I'm pretty sure I've been over this before but when I get stressed out, I don't sleep. It's not that I'm not tired, I just don't want to go to sleep for whatever reason. If you haven't figured it out, I am having that problem now. It's not super late yet but I've already stayed up an hour and 15 min after I should have gone to bed. And as usual, I have no idea what the source of my stress is.

Oh subconscious mind, why cant you just be helpful for once and tell me what is wrong so I can fix it?

At this point I am tired and I need to pee, but I just don't want to get up and do either. how stupid is that, I would rather read or mess around online. . . This doesn't count as messing around since I needed to do this anyway. (P.S. I am close to screwed with this whole blog a day thing now that I have started pushing my blogging to the end of the day cause I am positive I am going to procrastinate or forget and then I will have to start all over again :-()

I Really need to pee now so I think I am going to go do that and hope in the process I can convince myself to get some sleep . . . not likely but I will try.

My Achilles Heel (NaBloPoMo #5)

Have you ever eaten Pub Mix?

That probably sounds really strange but I have a reason, kinda. I have found out that if I know that there is pub mix around, it will not live to see morning. I have basically no self control when it comes to the stuff. It is amazing! Which is slightly frustrating when you are trying to eat healthy.

Plus the only reason we have it is because my grandpa didn't like it, I ate almost half the container on the first night! Ugh, not good. but the bright side is that I am doing better with watching what I eat. I got calcium supplements (Yes they are the kids gummy bear kind ^^) and I have been staying in healthy ranges for everything else . . . except when I am around pub mix.

Why cant I be normal and have a weakness like chocolate?

Is It Tomorrow Yet? (NaBloPoMo #4)

So last night I was a little worried because I didn't have anything that I really wanted to talk about and I didn't really just want to ramble about nothing. But, of course, my life would never want me to just ramble about a boring life so it gave me a horrible morning to talk about.

I had a test this morning and while I was not expecting to do amazing since I did not study very much I did a lot worse than I was planning. this just adds to the frustration of the class because I used to like it but now my teacher keeps canceling class and the lectures are basically just reading the headers from the book and saying to go read it. I am so apathetic about this class because it feels like my teacher is just giving up on it so why should I put any effort in?

Then I get home and realize that my computer, which has been having trouble since it doesn't seem to like the charger anymore, is about to run out of battery because I couldn't wiggle it into the right spot. Thankfully I did manage to get it to charge and I am trying to just get everything I need done as fast a gently as possible without moving the computer whatsoever. My dad is going to look at it when he has time but he is working on taxes so it might be a while. Why did this have to happen this month, when I need my computer to do stuff? At least on Mondays and Wednesdays I can do stuff at school but still, this is not helping.

So, I think that is sufficient complaining to constitute a blog post don't you? :-)

Meant for More (NaBloPoMo #3)

Have you ever felt like you were meant to do more or be more than you are currently?

I have had this feeling for a while now and it's so frustrating. I feel like I'm supposed to go out and do new things, like live in Hawaii and visit Europe, but everything I do to try and get me there just falls through. It's so frustrating feeling like you are supposed to be doing something and wanting to do it but not being able to. And, I know I am supposed to be trusting God and asking Him what I am supposed to be doing and I am, kinda, but I have never felt this way before about anything so I kind of feel like this is what people talk about when they say "God laid it on my heart to do this" so I would assume that if God 'lays something on my heart' shouldn't God also show me the way to do it?

I feel like since I seem to have no purpose or goal where I am, it would be the perfect reason to go somewhere else but I cant get there so what do I do?