My Mediocre Life

I’m so tired of my life.

No, this isn’t my suicide note. I auditioned for a dance competition a few days ago and didn’t make it. Although I’m disappointed that I didn’t make it into the competition what I’m more frustrated about is my mediocrity. I feel like people I know are doing things they love with their life or at least working toward something they love. I feel like everyone else is going somewhere while I’m not.

Yes I’m about to graduate college, but what for? I have no real desire to work at a hotel be in HR (Which, by the way, is where I’m aiming for just cause). I feel like I am going nowhere at break-neck speed. I want to do something that I have some kind of passion for but I have no clue what that thing is!

I feel like I’m treading water and then trying to brag. “Who cares if I’m not going anywhere or if I’m not happy, I’m swimming the fastest.”

I read things about people who quit their jobs go off and just fly by the seat of their pants and are happy because they left to do what they love. But what if you don’t know what you love? What if you we raised not to be reckless and quit everything on a whim? What am I supposed to do?

My life feels so mediocre but I feel like I am meant for more than mediocrity . . . But I guess most people feel that way don’t they? So I guess I should just put my head down and trudge through just like everyone else.

. . . But what if that kills me?

Here we go again, so much for that

We arent talking again and if Michael was doing this so that I would blow up and he could call me a bitch like Kim thinks he was then he got his wish cause I got really mad and told him that his excuse of "It just came up" over a text conversation was not good enough. Which its not you had time from when the thought popped into your head to typing it out to pressing send to realize "Hmm, this is what she ask me not to talk about" . . . !!! I dont know what to do anymore.

He Got It!!!!!!

He Got It!!!!!!! :-D Michael finally got it! He text me a few days ago saying that he could talk just as friends if I gave him another chance! I probably looked like an idiot when I read the text cause I was grinning the rest of the day. I don't honestly want to hurt him or not talk to him but I needed to protect myself.
I am so relieved that he got it. I was misrible cause I didn't know what was going on with him and I was worried. Funny thing was I had just put on facebook the night before "How long is too long?" Cause I didn't know how long I should or could ignore his texts.
I'm just ecstatice that he got it!!!!

Things move fast

We're no longer talking . . .

LONG weekend

So this whole boyfriend thing is not going well. I don't remember where I left off last time which couldn't have been more than a week or two ago . . . or three days ago . . . wow this weekend has been Insane with the capitol I. About 12 hours after my last post I had half broken up with Michael. I told him to give me until the next day to decide on keeping dating or just being friends. Friday before noon we were oficially done but still friends.

Between then and saturday night I had cried everytime I talked to him because I feel like crap for dumping him. And saturday night hearing from two of my friends that he was freaking out and said he was contemplating suicide. Fun fun. I call him find out that its not just my fault its also another of his ex's fault. oh goodie. Then I go and have a 2 hour talk with my dad which didn't really help.

Sunday I find out more of what Michael said to my friends . . . not good stuff and I plan to have a conversation with him to tell him that if he cant drop all the talking about us dating then I dont think we can continue being friends. (I know it sounds harsh but from prior experience, if I kept down the same path I would get honestly depressed and that is no good) So he says he can do that so we can stay friends. We go on having another conversation and then in the middle of that he asks if some cetain thing was the reason we broke up . . . Um call me crazy but isnt that something about us dating? Well, the waay he phrased it was a "One last question" type of thing so I'm giving him a second chance and hoping he doesnt screw it up cause I dont know if I'm going to be able to cut all ties with him. if he doesnt.

Oh last comment I especially feel horrible about this cause we had been talking about, early on in the relationship, bad idea, that we could see us together for a long time. Well, I broke up with him the day before our 2 month anniversary . . . yeah real long time.

Stress :-(

Another fun night of my bodys messed up thinking. I'm really stressed so I didn't get to sleep until sometime around 3 am last night. Not as bad as normal but thats probably because I'm too tired from other late nights and early mornings. And more fun added to my normal stress, Dance, school, and friends, I now have a boyfriend(Yay) who I don't know if he's actually doing things that annoy me or if I'm just blaming all of my stress on him.
Before you yell at me, I am glad I have a boyfriend, I'm just going through a normal relationship, sometimes things dont work out. Which I am scared of cause he's really into this and, I dont know, I'm just getting exausted by this and I dont think that my relationship should be making me so tired. I thought it was supposed to make me happy.

Dying Friendship

What do you do when you feel like you're growing apart from your friend but they aren't? I feel like I don't know her as well and I definitely don't think she knows me very well anymore either.
We went to a movie, me, Kim, and her. Originally we were supposed to go see a funny movie a few days before Christmas but instead we go see 'Avatar.' Gem had already seen it and wanted to see it again. I didn't. But whatever, it was a friend day I figured it didn't really matter. Apparently I never made it clear that I don't like war movies and battle scenes because that was what half the movie was. Plus, when I said that it wasn't really my kind of movie, she goes 'oh I didn't realize that.'
Its not even just that. I just feel like we used to be so much closer. And now we're not. It's kinda depressing. And its not like I want us to we just are, at least on my side.