Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
LONG weekend
So this whole boyfriend thing is not going well. I don't remember where I left off last time which couldn't have been more than a week or two ago . . . or three days ago . . . wow this weekend has been Insane with the capitol I. About 12 hours after my last post I had half broken up with Michael. I told him to give me until the next day to decide on keeping dating or just being friends. Friday before noon we were oficially done but still friends.
Between then and saturday night I had cried everytime I talked to him because I feel like crap for dumping him. And saturday night hearing from two of my friends that he was freaking out and said he was contemplating suicide. Fun fun. I call him find out that its not just my fault its also another of his ex's fault. oh goodie. Then I go and have a 2 hour talk with my dad which didn't really help.
Sunday I find out more of what Michael said to my friends . . . not good stuff and I plan to have a conversation with him to tell him that if he cant drop all the talking about us dating then I dont think we can continue being friends. (I know it sounds harsh but from prior experience, if I kept down the same path I would get honestly depressed and that is no good) So he says he can do that so we can stay friends. We go on having another conversation and then in the middle of that he asks if some cetain thing was the reason we broke up . . . Um call me crazy but isnt that something about us dating? Well, the waay he phrased it was a "One last question" type of thing so I'm giving him a second chance and hoping he doesnt screw it up cause I dont know if I'm going to be able to cut all ties with him. if he doesnt.
Oh last comment I especially feel horrible about this cause we had been talking about, early on in the relationship, bad idea, that we could see us together for a long time. Well, I broke up with him the day before our 2 month anniversary . . . yeah real long time.
Between then and saturday night I had cried everytime I talked to him because I feel like crap for dumping him. And saturday night hearing from two of my friends that he was freaking out and said he was contemplating suicide. Fun fun. I call him find out that its not just my fault its also another of his ex's fault. oh goodie. Then I go and have a 2 hour talk with my dad which didn't really help.
Sunday I find out more of what Michael said to my friends . . . not good stuff and I plan to have a conversation with him to tell him that if he cant drop all the talking about us dating then I dont think we can continue being friends. (I know it sounds harsh but from prior experience, if I kept down the same path I would get honestly depressed and that is no good) So he says he can do that so we can stay friends. We go on having another conversation and then in the middle of that he asks if some cetain thing was the reason we broke up . . . Um call me crazy but isnt that something about us dating? Well, the waay he phrased it was a "One last question" type of thing so I'm giving him a second chance and hoping he doesnt screw it up cause I dont know if I'm going to be able to cut all ties with him. if he doesnt.
Oh last comment I especially feel horrible about this cause we had been talking about, early on in the relationship, bad idea, that we could see us together for a long time. Well, I broke up with him the day before our 2 month anniversary . . . yeah real long time.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Stress :-(
Another fun night of my bodys messed up thinking. I'm really stressed so I didn't get to sleep until sometime around 3 am last night. Not as bad as normal but thats probably because I'm too tired from other late nights and early mornings. And more fun added to my normal stress, Dance, school, and friends, I now have a boyfriend(Yay) who I don't know if he's actually doing things that annoy me or if I'm just blaming all of my stress on him.
Before you yell at me, I am glad I have a boyfriend, I'm just going through a normal relationship, sometimes things dont work out. Which I am scared of cause he's really into this and, I dont know, I'm just getting exausted by this and I dont think that my relationship should be making me so tired. I thought it was supposed to make me happy.
Before you yell at me, I am glad I have a boyfriend, I'm just going through a normal relationship, sometimes things dont work out. Which I am scared of cause he's really into this and, I dont know, I'm just getting exausted by this and I dont think that my relationship should be making me so tired. I thought it was supposed to make me happy.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Dying Friendship
What do you do when you feel like you're growing apart from your friend but they aren't? I feel like I don't know her as well and I definitely don't think she knows me very well anymore either.
We went to a movie, me, Kim, and her. Originally we were supposed to go see a funny movie a few days before Christmas but instead we go see 'Avatar.' Gem had already seen it and wanted to see it again. I didn't. But whatever, it was a friend day I figured it didn't really matter. Apparently I never made it clear that I don't like war movies and battle scenes because that was what half the movie was. Plus, when I said that it wasn't really my kind of movie, she goes 'oh I didn't realize that.'
Its not even just that. I just feel like we used to be so much closer. And now we're not. It's kinda depressing. And its not like I want us to we just are, at least on my side.
We went to a movie, me, Kim, and her. Originally we were supposed to go see a funny movie a few days before Christmas but instead we go see 'Avatar.' Gem had already seen it and wanted to see it again. I didn't. But whatever, it was a friend day I figured it didn't really matter. Apparently I never made it clear that I don't like war movies and battle scenes because that was what half the movie was. Plus, when I said that it wasn't really my kind of movie, she goes 'oh I didn't realize that.'
Its not even just that. I just feel like we used to be so much closer. And now we're not. It's kinda depressing. And its not like I want us to we just are, at least on my side.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I am MAD!!!
I am MAD. A strange sentence coming from me. I tend to be sad, upset disappointed, lonely. Not normally mad but I have a good reason. I've always known I'm shy but yesterday I found out the true extent of it. And it's really really stupid!
So, I like this guy at church and last week I lost my phone and he found it. This part I was expecting. I went up to him told him I thought he had my phone and he gave it to me then I sand thanks and walked away. Normal. Then I was telling my dad about what happened and he said a good way to start talking to him is to go up to him the next day and thank him for finding my phone again. I was totally into doing that cause I really like this guy. I spent almost all week planning on talking to him and I got really excited cause I was finally gonna talk to a guy I like! Sunday morning comes around and I tell my friends that they have to make me go and talk to him cause I'm going to wimp out if I have no one keeping me there. Unfortunately, my friends apparently don't understand the word 'force' because the songs started and I hadn't talked to him.
I wasn't completely upset cause I still had after the sermon. But after the service my friends still didn't have the guts to get me to go up to him. And the one friend that would have didn't get the message of what I was trying to do until he disappeared. Yay I just showed how deathly afraid of guys I am. I got really upset and went into the bathroom where Emelia (A.K.A. the only friend that would have helped if she could) found me and made me feel a little better about my patheticness before two of my other friends came in and believed Emelia when she said I was crying when she accidentally poked me in the eye. Really? I mean, REALLY! You believe that!? But whatever I'm getting over how gullible they are.
Then we go to meet up with my sister and her now ex-boyfriend, that is where I find out that two of my friends ended up finding the guy I like and talking to him for a while somewhere else. Like OK I have no problem with them talking to him per se, I don't care that they talked to him just that they could and I couldn't. Not the best picker-upper. So I go through the day disappointed in myself and end up deciding to go to the high school/college football game after the evening service, the Turkey Bowl. He was there and playing and I was drooling over him the whole time as well as a semi-old crush that I have recently found in the crowd again that I might have accidentally offended him cause I was taking care of a bunch of kids and couldn't really talk to him.
So last night I'm crying in my bed thinking how stupid I am because I can't even talk to a guy and one of the things a friend said to try to get me to go up to him. She said if I couldn't talk to him I would end up being the crazy cat lady while everyone else is going to be married with children, all because I can't talk to a crush. oh joy.
So, I like this guy at church and last week I lost my phone and he found it. This part I was expecting. I went up to him told him I thought he had my phone and he gave it to me then I sand thanks and walked away. Normal. Then I was telling my dad about what happened and he said a good way to start talking to him is to go up to him the next day and thank him for finding my phone again. I was totally into doing that cause I really like this guy. I spent almost all week planning on talking to him and I got really excited cause I was finally gonna talk to a guy I like! Sunday morning comes around and I tell my friends that they have to make me go and talk to him cause I'm going to wimp out if I have no one keeping me there. Unfortunately, my friends apparently don't understand the word 'force' because the songs started and I hadn't talked to him.
I wasn't completely upset cause I still had after the sermon. But after the service my friends still didn't have the guts to get me to go up to him. And the one friend that would have didn't get the message of what I was trying to do until he disappeared. Yay I just showed how deathly afraid of guys I am. I got really upset and went into the bathroom where Emelia (A.K.A. the only friend that would have helped if she could) found me and made me feel a little better about my patheticness before two of my other friends came in and believed Emelia when she said I was crying when she accidentally poked me in the eye. Really? I mean, REALLY! You believe that!? But whatever I'm getting over how gullible they are.
Then we go to meet up with my sister and her now ex-boyfriend, that is where I find out that two of my friends ended up finding the guy I like and talking to him for a while somewhere else. Like OK I have no problem with them talking to him per se, I don't care that they talked to him just that they could and I couldn't. Not the best picker-upper. So I go through the day disappointed in myself and end up deciding to go to the high school/college football game after the evening service, the Turkey Bowl. He was there and playing and I was drooling over him the whole time as well as a semi-old crush that I have recently found in the crowd again that I might have accidentally offended him cause I was taking care of a bunch of kids and couldn't really talk to him.
So last night I'm crying in my bed thinking how stupid I am because I can't even talk to a guy and one of the things a friend said to try to get me to go up to him. She said if I couldn't talk to him I would end up being the crazy cat lady while everyone else is going to be married with children, all because I can't talk to a crush. oh joy.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
How are you supposed to deal with being stressed and watching everyone else in your family be stressed out of their minds and not do anything about it?
I feel so useless. I'm watching my family and they're all trying to do their best and it's not good enough and I can't help them and its killing me. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost.
I feel so useless. I'm watching my family and they're all trying to do their best and it's not good enough and I can't help them and its killing me. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
. . .
STRESS!!!!!!!!!!
I hate it I want to cry about 10 different things at once but then I don't cause I know that's not going to help whatsoever other than make me more stressed cause I know if I start crying I'll start thinking of everything that's stressing me and I'll find even more stuff to be stressed about and it wont help but then if I don't cry it'll just keep building up and I'll burst in the middle of something randomly. I just want to curl up in a ball and die . . . not really . . . how about curl up in a ball and wait for time to stop?
I hate it I want to cry about 10 different things at once but then I don't cause I know that's not going to help whatsoever other than make me more stressed cause I know if I start crying I'll start thinking of everything that's stressing me and I'll find even more stuff to be stressed about and it wont help but then if I don't cry it'll just keep building up and I'll burst in the middle of something randomly. I just want to curl up in a ball and die . . . not really . . . how about curl up in a ball and wait for time to stop?
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